And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fith, and won a toaster.
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I'm okay.
I entered 10 puns in a pun contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in a constant fear.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
I tried to catch fog yesterday, Mist.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.
My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. You have my Word.
Someone stole my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that.
We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. It's in our jeans.
What would The Jetsons be called if they were black? The Jetsons, you fucking racist.
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle ? Attire.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
Working in a mirror factory is something I wan totally see myself doing.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
You're not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.